When it becomes unhealthy..let it go

For many years I had a friend who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, though no fault of her own, it caused many hardships on our relationship. I mention it because after a while, as she became more unstable, she became the perfect picture of a Borderline person, and through it I learned a few important life lessons. For many years she was my best friend, for seven years she was one of two people who I felt I could count on for absolutely anything. We were outcasts together, shared the same dreams and goals, and understood eachother like no one else could. We often called eachother our "evil half", a little nickname we shared. But after high school ended, and the years progressed, she slowly got worse.

According to Foundations of Mental Health Care: 4th Edition by Morrison-Valfre,

"relationships are marked by rapid shifts from adoring and idealizing to devaluing and cruel punishment".

It also states

"Moods are unstable. Emotions range from great joy to deep depression and change within minutes or hours. They express inapproprate anger and have difficulty controlling their aggression. During stressful times, they may develop paranoid delusions and feelings of depersonalization".

I mention these descriptions because they are important to understanding the character of my friend, as many people are not necessarily familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder and its associated behaviours.

Another characteristic of Borderline Personality disorder is known as "splitting". According to Morrison-Valfre,"splitting is

emotionally dividing the staff by complimenting one group and degrading another.

As these symptoms and personality traits worsened, the strain on our friendship increased. Many times I implored her to get help. She admitted to me many times she knew she had this problem, and she wanted help, but there was always an excuse, always a reason not to. As the days went by, and nothing changed except the worsening of her symptoms, I found myself pulling away from her.

Though I knew the pathophysiology of this condition, some part of me held resentment towards her. Why wouldn't she get help? I continually felt manipulated and taken advantage of, disrespected and degraded. I felt I was giving more than I was getting and taken for granted. I felt like I was walking on egg shells..literally. So many things would set her off, little things, like a minor disagreement. Sometimes I didn't even know what I had done wrong, as everything seemed fine to me. The "splitting" became worse, she was doing this to every one of her friends that I knew of, including myself. Many times I saw her take out her aggression on her boyfriend in episodes of emotional upset. She would tell me,

"I hope he cries, I want him to hurt, bad, it makes me laugh".

(of course I'm paraphrasing).

At one point, I reached the end of my rope, though it was she who cut the friendship short. It hurt, but I knew it was what I needed. I spent a long time feeling manipulated, like I was walking on egg shells, and my opinions were wrong, and I promised I would never deal with that again.

So today when an online friend continued to post derogatory and degrading things about spirituality and theists, I could not handle it anymore. I felt like I was exhibiting the same behviours all over again. I felt if I expressed my spirituality where she could see it I would be mocked, and ridiculed. In her own words, she

"will ridicule anyone who is religious, whether you like it or not!"

I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I felt like I was not being given the same courtesy I had given her. So I let her go too. Let me clarify, it is not the message that is being said, but how it is said. I don't care if you hate god, hate theists, or think purple monkies rule the world, but don't. be. a. bitch. about it. Don't treat me like dog doo because you think everyone else is stupid.

Anyways, all the time I spent dealing with my former friend taught me, that sometimes it is just better for me to let it go. I don't miss her ..(much)..I don't want her to come back. I didn't feel as happy when she was here as I do now. I have so much more confidence now and so much less drama. I simply wish her the best and am thankful for the time we had, when she was my "evil half". But I don't miss what became of her in the past year or so. I hope she decides to get help, and I'm grateful for the lessons she taught me. Primarily not to let myself feel that way again. To not continue to allow people to get more from me than they're willing to give of themselves. Not to walk on egg shells and feel manipulated. I thank her very much for that and the years she gave me. And it was because of her that I was able to walk away today, from another friend who was able to make me feel the same way as she had. In many ways she made me a much stronger person. There is no animosity towards her, only feelings of self-preservation. I can't "do" that again..not for anyone.

Recently, I posted "How to deal with Atheists"s, but when those techniques no longer work, sometimes its just better to let it go.