Saturday, May 21, 2011

When it becomes unhealthy..let it go

For many years I had a friend who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, though no fault of her own, it caused many hardships on our relationship. I mention it because after a while, as she became more unstable, she became the perfect picture of a Borderline person, and through it I learned a few important life lessons. For many years she was my best friend, for seven years she was one of two people who I felt I could count on for absolutely anything. We were outcasts together, shared the same dreams and goals, and understood eachother like no one else could. We often called eachother our "evil half", a little nickname we shared. But after high school ended, and the years progressed, she slowly got worse.

According to Foundations of Mental Health Care: 4th Edition by Morrison-Valfre,
"relationships are marked by rapid shifts from adoring and idealizing to devaluing and cruel punishment".
It also states
"Moods are unstable. Emotions range from great joy to deep depression and change within minutes or hours. They express inapproprate anger and have difficulty controlling their aggression. During stressful times, they may develop paranoid delusions and feelings of depersonalization".

I mention these descriptions because they are important to understanding the character of my friend, as many people are not necessarily familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder and its associated behaviours.

Another characteristic of Borderline Personality disorder is known as "splitting". According to Morrison-Valfre,"splitting is
emotionally dividing the staff by complimenting one group and degrading another.

As these symptoms and personality traits worsened, the strain on our friendship increased. Many times I implored her to get help. She admitted to me many times she knew she had this problem, and she wanted help, but there was always an excuse, always a reason not to. As the days went by, and nothing changed except the worsening of her symptoms, I found myself pulling away from her.

Though I knew the pathophysiology of this condition, some part of me held resentment towards her. Why wouldn't she get help? I continually felt manipulated and taken advantage of, disrespected and degraded. I felt I was giving more than I was getting and taken for granted. I felt like I was walking on egg shells..literally. So many things would set her off, little things, like a minor disagreement. Sometimes I didn't even know what I had done wrong, as everything seemed fine to me. The "splitting" became worse, she was doing this to every one of her friends that I knew of, including myself. Many times I saw her take out her aggression on her boyfriend in episodes of emotional upset. She would tell me,
"I hope he cries, I want him to hurt, bad, it makes me laugh".
(of course I'm paraphrasing).

At one point, I reached the end of my rope, though it was she who cut the friendship short. It hurt, but I knew it was what I needed. I spent a long time feeling manipulated, like I was walking on egg shells, and my opinions were wrong, and I promised I would never deal with that again.

So today when an online friend continued to post derogatory and degrading things about spirituality and theists, I could not handle it anymore. I felt like I was exhibiting the same behviours all over again. I felt if I expressed my spirituality where she could see it I would be mocked, and ridiculed. In her own words, she
"will ridicule anyone who is religious, whether you like it or not!"
I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I felt like I was not being given the same courtesy I had given her. So I let her go too. Let me clarify, it is not the message that is being said, but how it is said. I don't care if you hate god, hate theists, or think purple monkies rule the world, but don't. be. a. bitch. about it. Don't treat me like dog doo because you think everyone else is stupid.

Anyways, all the time I spent dealing with my former friend taught me, that sometimes it is just better for me to let it go. I don't miss her ..(much)..I don't want her to come back. I didn't feel as happy when she was here as I do now. I have so much more confidence now and so much less drama. I simply wish her the best and am thankful for the time we had, when she was my "evil half". But I don't miss what became of her in the past year or so. I hope she decides to get help, and I'm grateful for the lessons she taught me. Primarily not to let myself feel that way again. To not continue to allow people to get more from me than they're willing to give of themselves. Not to walk on egg shells and feel manipulated. I thank her very much for that and the years she gave me. And it was because of her that I was able to walk away today, from another friend who was able to make me feel the same way as she had. In many ways she made me a much stronger person. There is no animosity towards her, only feelings of self-preservation. I can't "do" that again..not for anyone.

Recently, I posted "How to deal with Atheists"s, but when those techniques no longer work, sometimes its just better to let it go.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Vampirism: A general overview.

Throughout my time spent within the pagan community, I often come across the question of " what is a vampire?" Over the years I have seen reactions to the vampire phenomena ranging from idol worship to disbelief to downright hatred for self identified vampires. Many are merely uninformed, but many also view the vampire as an energy leech, a thief, and an offense to all things neopagan.

But in order to understand why so many pagans hold a less than friendly view of modern-day vampires, we must first understand what a vampire is. I am not spekaing of the mythological vampires of folklore, rotting corpses searching for flesh or blood, nor am I speaking of the romanticly stylized vampires from such films as Interview with the Vampire and Twilight.
The vampire which I refer to has often been termed the "human vampire". In this context, the human vampire is a person with an energetic deficiency and a need to regain that energy from external sources. If I haven't been clear enough already, the "human vampire" is a human being, no different from anyone else, save for an energetic need which requires the vampire to seek outside sources of energy. Lifespan is normal and there are no adverse reactions to sunlight, crucifixes, or garlic as a general rule.

All too often people confuse vampires and energy workers. A vampire has an energetic need for outside energy, as was stated above. A common description of this condition which has spread throughout the online vampire community in recent years, is that of a cup with a hole in the bottom. The liquid in the cup slowly leaks through the hole and must be refilled from an outside source. So too is it believed that there are holes, or leaks, in the vampire's energetic body which must be replaced by an outside energy source. The key word here is "need". If there is no need for outside energy, then one is not a vampire. I like to emphasize this point, if there is no "need" then there is no energey deficiency, and one is not a vampire.

An energy minipulator, however, is someone who takes energy for their own purposes, in order to reshape it and use it for their own wants, however the "need" for outside energy is not there. They are both similar, but the key is need vs. want.

There are many theories as to why the vampire has a damaged energy body and needs to replenish their own leaking aura with energy from outside sources. These theories range from reincarnation and karma, to trauma and illness, to damaged chakras. Whatever the theory, there is generally always damage to the energy body. I personally ascribe to the theory of damaged chakras, but what you choose to believe is up to you.

There are three main categories of vampire: sanguine, psychic, and hybrid. In my experience, the category of vampire depends solely on how they choose to obtain energy to replenish their damaged energy body. Many argue that it is not a choice, but rather a "can" and "cannot". For some it is a matter of convenience, and for others a matter of taste.

A sanguine (sang meaning blood), is a vampire who obtains their energy through blood drinking. One may be surprised to learn that there is indeed a great amount of energy in blood. One theory as to why this occurs is the belief that the energy routes of the energetic body coincide directly with the circulatory system of the body. Many believe the circulatory system is the physical manifestation of the energetic framework of the body. Therefore, energy is highly condensed within blood, and offers a bigger "punch" than psychic energy does. Some sanguines have said they can not feed psychically, they have no psychic ability and therefore no way to get the energy from their donors into themselves, therefore blood is the only way to go. Though there are the complex issues of finding a donor and blood letting, I will not discuss them in the article. The one thing I will say, however, is that it is extremely difficult but important for a sanguine to find a donor they trust and to get tested on a regular basis for any blood-bourne diseases.

The psychic vampire is a vampire who is able to feed directly on the energetic body. Many times I have heard people describe the vampire's energetic body as a tentacled mass surrounding the vampire. These projections are affectionately called "tendrils". The function of the tendrils is to poke and prod, and pull energy from the host's energy body to the vampire's.
There are many different methods in which the psychic vampire feeds, and too many to name them here. Each is different for every vampire and what works for one may not work for another. However there are three types of psychic feedings which I will touch on.

Ambient feeding is the least invasive feeding method and requires no donor. To some people within the neopagan community, even ambient feeding is invasive and offensive, however the general consensus in the vampire community is this is the most acceptable method to use if one lacks a trusted donor. Ambient energy is energy which is cast off from living organisms in an area. Where I'm sitting right now, a class full of people, there is a bunch of energy being cast off of each body and stagnating in the room. This energy is cast off, no longer a part of the person's energetic body, and therefore a perfectly acceptable form of energy to feed on. Depending on the setting, the energy will have a different "flavor", depending on the event and the general emotion of the event.

The second type of feeding I will touch on has been dubbed "surface feeding". Many people feel this type of feeding needs a donor, it is invasive, and is stealing if you do not ask permission of the donor before feeding. During surface feeding, the vampire extends one or more tendrils into the surface of the donor's energetic body and brings it into their own, down the length of the extended tendril. This energy is supposed to be more condensed and satisfying than ambient feeding. I suppose its the difference between having an appetizer and having an entree.

Deep feeding is the most invasive form of feeding and requires a trusted, knowledgable donor and their permission. It is a grave offense both outside and in the vampire community to deep feed without donor permission due to the level of connection it creates between vampire and donor and the damage it can cause. Deep feeding is much like surface feeding, but instead of scooping energy off the surface, the vampire goes deeper, into the person's core and feeds. Many say this type of feeding creates a "cord" between vampire and donor. If this is done to the donor unknowingly, it is considered a form of psychic rape.

In regards to chakras, as I mentioned before, it is a common belief that vampirism is caused by one or more damaged chakras. Many vampires will choose to feed via one of these damaged chakras, generally one of the lower chakras. In many cases, the vampire will extend tendrils from one of these chakras and feed energy directly into it.

Now that we have discussed different types of feeding, let us now discuss different "flavors" of feedings. The subcategory of psychic vampire is further subdivided into more classes of psychic vampire, some of wich include: emotional, nature, and eros vampires. It is my belief that these classes are formed based on how the vampire chooses to feed, however I have also heard from many an Eros vampire that there is only one way they can feed, and it is not a choice. I have only listed a few categories, only because all too often another category is added.

The emotional vampire, often confused for the health condition of the same name, is a vampire who chooses to feed on emotion. This vampire may have a choice emotion it enjoys most which will be its "food" of choice. Anger, happiness, regret, despair, joy, surprise and shock, all have different tastes. One vampire may primarily feed on anger, while another will feed in joy, depending on the vampire's palate.

Other vampires choose to feed on the forces of nature, lightning storms, tornados, fire, etc. etc. etc. Any force of nature, or nature in general. This vampire may spend an inordinate amount of time in nature refuelling. Some vampires claim nature does not provide enough energy, however there are enough vampires present who feed this way that it has gained its own subgategory of psychic vampire in recent years.

Eros vampires feed primarily on sex, and are often likened to the folkloric succubus and incubus. The energy produced by sex and sexual acts is rather intense and provides a scrumptuous meal for these vampires. This form of feeding often requires a knowledgeable donor, usually a steady partner of the vampire such as a spouse or significant other. Many frown on feeding on sex without the donor's knowledge because it, like deep feeding, can result in deep metaphysical connections between vampire and donor.

Of course there are more categories and more flavors, but describe them all would be a daunting task. The basic information you need to know is that any way a vampire can obtain psychic energy from another living organism, they will, and they'll put a label to it. In recent years there have even been vampires who claim to be able to feed on electrical sources ranging from lightening to IPODS.

The hybrid vampire, our third category of vampire, is one who can feed on both blood and energy interchangeably. If they have a trusted donor who will donate blood to them, they will utilize that vital source of energy, however if they lose their donor, or need more energy than their donor can give them on a daily basis, they can and will switch to psychic feeding.
Another kind of vampire, a faux, vampire is the sympathetic vampire. I call them faux vampires, because they are made, not born. Most believe that vampirism is a condition one is born with, however sympathetic vampirism occurs when one, for whatever reason, loses a large amount of energy over a period of time and unconsciously begins to reclaim that energy. These people begin to take on vampiric traits, but once healed will no longer need to take in extra energy. This phenomena can occur as a result of trauma, being fed on too often by a vampire, or a myriad of other situations.

Many times one will hear the term "unconsciously feeding" or "unconscious vampire". These people are not aware they are a vampire, nor are they aware that they are feeding, or why. These folks are most bothersome because they have no control. These people often seek out emotionally charged situations in order to feed, they may begin arguments or be emotionally draining. Some vampires feel they are drawn to these unconscious vampires by way of a "beacon" , a kind of a vamp-dar which helps them recognize other vampires. It is often frowned upon to push these folks through a process affectionately termed "awakening" due to the "karmic damage" it can cause. Some people just aren't meant to awaken in this life, or at least not at this point in life. Generally "pushing" refers to telling someone they are a vampire and why. For one, said person may be wrong, for two, the information may be ill-received.

Awakening is a process through which one undergoes as they begin discovering their own vampirism. This can last a relatively short period of time to an entire lifetime. Many vampires believe awakening is a never-ending process, just as one never stops learning, one never stops awakening. Some seem to awaken more than once as they go through periods of doubt and acceptance of their vampiric condition.

Those vampires who have awakened are aware of their vampirism and their need to replenish their own energy stores from outside sources. These people are much more controlled at feeding and energy manipulation than the unawakened, and by far the less dangerous. The awakened vampire is less likely to start pissing matches to get a scrumptous energy feed and become emotionally draining.

You may be wondering, what happens if a vampire does not feed? The answer is different for each individual. Many vampires become irritable, lethargic, tired, experience weight fluctuations, etc. (the list goes on). As a general rule, feeding helps maintain a healthy state of living and affects the health of body and mind. If one neglects to feed, then symptoms may begin to develop, both mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Many vampires believe their vampirism goes into a state of dormancy periodically, however it is my personal opinion that they begin auto-pilot feeding. That is feeding unconsciounsly much like an unawakened in order to compensate for the conscious neglect of feeding. Others may believe their condition is healed, but again, I have my own personal skepticism in regards to that as well.

There are often many side effects and symptoms associated with vampirism as well. Some vampires are primarily nocturnal, and claim to have reversed circadian rhythms. Other vampires avoid sunlight and claim an unnatural sensitivity to it. Many vampires claim psychic abilities and empathy specifically. However, it is important to not get too caught up in signs and symptoms of vampirism, as if it is a check list to prove your vampiric condition.
The fact is, only you can know for sure what you are or aren't, no one else. However, I want to stress, that no matter what vampire related symptoms you may have, one is not a vampire unless they have a need to replenish their energetic body from outside sources. If you don't need energy, you are not a vampire, regardless of whether you have every symptom you've run across online.

I hope this has helped shed light on what vampirism is and is not. This article is simply a brief overview of what I have learned in and out of the vampire community over the past seven years. But vampires, like witches, are full of differing opinions. There may be some coffin-bound vampire who reads this and disagrees with me. That is quite alright, disagreement is a wonderful thing which leads to growth and learning. They may wonder why I didn't mention this or that or didn't elaborate more on one thing and talked too much on another. I hope those people can write more articles and share their own viewpoints on the vampiric condition.
I also need to clarify that all opinions are mine, built upon my experiences. Take it for what its worth.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Beltane Celebrations

I feel I owe it to myself and the season to at least mention this past Beltane. I have meant to write a blog detailing Beltane and its importance within the wheel of the year holidays, however, as they say, life has just taken over.

But I did end up doing more than I expected this Beltane. I really didn't expect to do more than spare a passing thought to the holiday. Instead I ended up in my garden amongst the few plants I have growing from last year. So far I have thyme, sage, and beebalm growing and what I think is parsley or oregano. The thyme is a perennial I've had for years, but the beebalm and sage are dropped seedlings from last year. Or rather let me rephrase that..somehow I messed up last year and no sage grew at all, but this year some seeds germinated and I have the beginnings of 2 or 3 sage bushes. I am quite pleased. The mystery parsely/oregano concoction is a mix of seeds I threw down about a month ago with little hope they'd germinate, that I just wanted out of the way.

Unfortunately with the mass of flooding and persistent rains, I haven't been able to tend to my garden quite so well, so it is overcome with weeds, however the water seems to be good for the plants. Maybe to make up for what is sure to be a sweltering summer.

I also felt it was important to change my altar to a spring/summer theme. I was lagging a little behind. So with a little dusting, I began to set some summery themed items. It should last me until August or September at least. It may not, I enjoy getting an early start on autumn decorating every year.


I am particularly proud of the autumn vase filled with thyme and beebalm. It adds a nice touch to the altar, I think, to have a seasonal bouquet..something I've never done before.

I also spent all day with my family and we had a feast of wonderful Chinese cuisine served by one of my best friends and her family. I guess thats a fancy way of saying we all went car shopping and ate at my friend's family owned Chinese buffet.

Later that night my dad and brother came home with a turkey, one I plan to never eat, but the symbolism is nice nonetheless.

And later that night we received word that Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed. I'm still contemplating how to say and what to feel, but I have at least decided that I need to wait until I am less emotionally raw to write it. My feelings are controversial and bloody, and I lose all eloquence when discussing it. Maybe soon, but tonight I must find solace in sleep.

Friday, April 29, 2011

How to deal with Atheists

As the numbers of people who claim to be atheists increase, so do encounters with them throughout the online Pagan communities. All too often I have encountered an atheist sharing a perfectly valid opinion, only to be shot down by pagans who felt persecuted by the atheist sharing their beliefs. That is not to say that some atheists do not come off as brash and obnoxious, but all too often the atheist has done nothing to warrant such a response from my fellow pagans.

Below I have compiled a list of ways in which I have dealt with both obnoxious and friendly atheists throughout my time in the online pagan community.

Be open to new opinions
This person's opinion is just as valid as yours. You may even learn something enlightening and interesting from them. Many atheists I have come across are quite intelligent and have researched their reasons for NOT believing, just as many of us have researched our reasons FOR believing. Though it may be stereotypical, if one wants to know something about the sciences, often an atheist is the person to ask!

Lose your prejudices
As I mentioned earlier, there is generally a stigma or prejudice attached to atheists upon entrance to many pagan communities. Prejudice is an ugly thing and can prevent growth and cause stagnation. It can also prevent you from learning something new and exciting from the atheist in question. You may have encountered many obnoxious atheists in the past, there are a great many of them, but do not let that influence your interaction with other atheists. This one may be the picture of courtesy and kindness, whereas your past experiences may lie with the more obnoxious type. Don't let past experiences lead you to make a complete ass of yourself with this new person. Atheists range from calm to militant, just like adherents of all belief systems.

Don't lose your cool
Sometimes the militant or more obnoxious atheist will come along and create a complete emotional mess. Don't let this bother you. As I stated earlier, they have their own opinions, which are no more or less valid than yours. Don't lose your cool and stoop to personal attacks, which brings me to my next point.

Just ignore it
Sometimes, you will come across total asshats, who want to do nothing but cause drama and hurt feelings. Just ignore them. Sometimes this is the only option left. Your faith should be strong enough that you need no validation from anyone else. If you come across an atheist who only wants drama, ignore them, eventually they'll go away.

Don't try to "prove it"
Nothing you can say or do will prove to an atheist that your gods and goddesses are real. NOTHING. To try to convince them is a lesson in futility. In general they have taken the time and energy and done a lot of research that has brought them their conclusions of non-belief. Many of them will tell you, you can not prove a negative. And they're right. There is no scientific evidence or proof which will help you win this argument. Faith is a wonderful thing, but it will not stand up in a debate. Saying "I just feel it is so" will not help your case. Cut your losses and move on, or better yet, don't even begin this argument.

Compromise
I don't mean compromise your beliefs, but rather pick your battles. I have friends, including a very loving Fiance, who are staunch atheists. All too often I hear what could be consider insults directed toward spiritual and religious persons and constant degradations of spiritual paths. If I tried to argue with them, there would never be any peace. Instead I remember my first point, that they are welcome to their beliefs as much as I am mine. I choose to accept that and not get angry, and instead focus on my own spiritual and religious beliefs. I also decide not to get upset over such things. Nothing I can say or do will change that person's mind, and becoming upset over it will do nothing but bring me aggravation and sadness. "Just ignore it" goes a long way here.

Set your boundaries
As I mentioned above, my Fiance is an atheist. Not just an atheist, but damn near a militant atheist. I've encountered many pagans who feel such a relationship can and will not work, but it does and it has. It only takes a little bit of compromise, and boundary setting. I told my Fiance that he is not to insult, demean, or belittle my spiritual and religious choices in front of me. There are times where he has slipped up, but overall it has worked out extremely well, and he has become more open to my being a pagan. Of course, it also works in reverse, I will not insult, demean, or belittle his lack of spirituality either. Though he hasn't been an atheist the entire time we've been together, we are going on 5 years as of July.

The same also goes for friends and family. Set your boundaries, what you will and will not accept. Granted, there will always be those friends and family members who will not accept boundaries, that is the point where you have to decide if you'll just accept their behaviour or begin to stop spending time with them. That choice is entirely up to you.


I truly feel if more people used these or similar guidelines when dealing with people online, regardless of belief (or lack thereof), there would be much less instances of misunderstandings, arguments, and flame wars. In the end, we are all adults and must learn to accept our differences or be destroyed by them.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

April Showers better damn well bring May Flowers

This April has been one of the wettest on record in the Kentuckianna region, with the Ohio river officially cresting at 31.1 feet. I officially earned my first "flood days" or days off school due to severe flooding. Although it wasn't until Wednesday, the 27th that school was officially cancelled because the only entrance/exit left at school was quickly becoming flooded and there would be no way out.





These were taken by various people and posted on the Wave3 facebook page. Last night I saw coverage of the entrance/exit to the gas station, school, and Ramada and it was completely covered by several feet of water. School was officially cancelled for Friday (tomorrow) as well due to the inclement conditions.

I Just think when people are fishing off the school parking garage and the lowest layer of the school is underwater, it should be called. If I'm not mistaken, the authorities had to evacuate the school. I am not 100% sure, because I evacuated myself before that.


This photo was taken of the garage level of the school. When I arrived at school on Wednesday, it was substantially higher, and was close to the 1st floor, main level. One of the staff said the elevators had to be turned off because someone my hit "G1 and drown". It was funny, but I'm thinking they were more worried about a lawsuit and damages than someone drowning. Cynical? Yes.

Over the past few days not only has there been flooding, but also isolated tornadoes. The fearsome thing is that according to a CNN meteorologist, May on average has about double the tornadic activity than April. Its looking to be a nasty May if this is any indication. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good rain, but many people along the river have been busting out their canoes the past several weeks just to get in and out of their driveway. And I hate feeling like I have to put on a wet suit just to get to school. The school flooding only affects me on Wednesday and Fridays so I'm not benefiting that much from this flooding. The exception is not having to take my 1st Med/Surg test tomorrow, which I am not at all prepared for yet. All the flooding has given me some much needed extra time to study.




But luckily, the river has finally crested and is receding. Many of us in the local area were lucky to see a beautiful rainbow, like a promise from god to not drown us any longer. I have a similar picture, but it is not nearly as spectacular.


Of course I never made it in time to capture the rainbow in all its glory, but I did get some of it.

If anything is certain, it has been a furious spring.